My unsolicited toddler adoption advice.

I have been meaning to write about toddler adoption, my advice, what we did, etc for quite awhile. Since I'm up and not feeling well I thought I'd take the time now while the Princess is asleep and I can think clearly.

While we were in process, I mentally prepared myself to bring home a 13 mo. old. So when we received a previo in September, I knew that dream had quickly gone away. I was so worried about bringing home a toddler. I questioned myself and my ability to handle a toddler - afterall, she wasn't the six month old baby we were intending to bring home. Anyway this isn't about my case, this is about bringing home a toddler. When we got out of P*N I found a China Mom's blog. She adopted 17-mo old twins three years ago. So I read their story from the beginning, and felt reassured in bringing home a 16-month-old. So my first piece of advice is find someone who brought home a child in the general age range of your child- via a blog or adoption forums. If you can, make nice with the parents and ask questions.

Be realistic in your expectations of your new child. Since I had re-met Madeline in July, and she only spent 1-day grieving, I anticipated the same happening this time. Didn't happen. She was older now. Even more bonded with her foster family. I spent a week wondering where my happy baby went? However, I reassured myself and my husband on a daily basis that Madeline would return to the happy baby I met in July, she would laugh, smile, and eventually come to love us - someday. In fact, after everything we had gone through, we were just feeling lucky enough to have her in the same room as us! It didn't matter if she cried all day - she was there, with us, and we would never be apart again.

Before bringing Madeline home, I read everything I could about attachment, parenting, and bonding. In fact, by the time we got her, I had spent two years researching and had a plan. It's always good to have a plan. Most likely, your famly is going to hate your plan - I know ours did. It's hard for those not directly involved in adoption to understand the attachment process- I still get frustrated with our families for not understanding... but then I ask myself, if the roles were reversed, would I understand attachment and bonding? Most likely, not. Also, even other adoptive families may give you a look like you have absolutely lost your mind- but remember, what works for some, doesn't work for others. I strongly, strongly, believe that we must all look at our own individual situations and make decisions based on them. Which brings me back to parenting books....

I love Dr. Sears, I recommend his books to all my friends. But, I didn't follow his advice to a Tee. I needed to modify the ideas I got from his books, to make our situation work. Please remember, just because a book says to do something a certain way, doesn't mean it is going to be the best way for your child (or you!)

I carried Madeline the majority of the time in a baby hawk carrier (http://www.babyhawk.com/) - I highly recommend getting one. She loves hers, and even being home, she sometimes just needs to get in it and have a snuggle. It's reassurance.

At the same time, Madeline got very comfortable being in her stroller. I think she felt safe in there, afterall, we were strangers and she didn't trust us. At the time I remember being upset and even writing my friends back home and saying I needed to get her away from it, so she could bond to me. Looking back, she did prefer her stroller but also alerted us when she was ready to get out of it. We did continue for the most part to let her sit in it. The biggest thing I think we did for Madeline was allow her to come around in her own time.

Although, when it came to me using the restroom and showering, I did leave Madeline with my husband. Was she happy about it? No. But she did see that I always came back for her, and that he was safe. Please don't exclude your husbands. Yes it's true they can only bond to one person at a time, but that doesn't mean not to include your husbands in some of the tasks. For the first few days, maybe even weeks of being home, I did the majority of the work involving Madeline. She came around in her own time with her Daddy - then regressed. Now for the past month or so, she's been back to adoring him.

The best advice given to me was... understand that even though your child may be 16, 18, 20 months old- your relationship with your child is only as old as you have had him or her for. This is imperative to understand.

The bottle. In the 'mala, toddlers are still given bottles. In the U.S - there is a big rush to get rid of the bottle as soon as your baby turns 12 mos (even sometimes before then). Most likely, this is going to be a security item for your child. It definitely was for Madeline. Her foster father handed her, her bottle before they left- she would not allow another soul to touch her bottle. Even after coming home, she held on tightly to her bottle. It wasn't until three weeks ago that she allowed me to hold her bottle while feeding her, and would hand it over to me. Please understand that your child has gone through a traumatic experience, and taking his or her bottle away right away is probably not going to help you out in the attachment area. I read a post on a forum before picking up- and the person said she can fix teeth later, but attachment will be harder to fix. It made a lot of sense. My suggestion is to use this as a key of bonding. Rock your child and stare into his/her eyes while giving them the bottle. I didn't fight with Madeline to hold her bottle, it was another thing that I allowed her to do in her own time- and she did.

Your child isn't spoiled. Your foster family isn't taking care of your toddler and grooming him or her into being a perfect angel. Parenting is much different in the 'mala then it is here... we were fortunate enough for Madeline not to have any behavior issues. In fact, she listens very well and is overall a well-behaved child. I do credit that to our foster family. I do realize that this is different for everyone. At 11 mos old and in the 'mala with M, I remember reading posts about others on pick up for their 11 mo-olds, and their children throwing temper tantrums and other bad behaviors. M? No way. Even now she has never thrown a tantrum. She whines, and I ignore it unless it is a NEED, not a want.

Get in-tune with your child's needs. Now this may be harder if you have other children, and since I don't, I have no advice on how to go about doing that. I had a lot of comments from friends upon coming home about how in-tune I was with Madeline, and it was true. I could anticipate her next move. I listened for her different alerts. Although there were a few times that she would switch things up and leave me feeling dumb-founded. Oh and if you are like me, and worry that you won't know what the different alerts/cries are- you will get it. That was a big fear of mine, that I would never learn her alerts. I really paid attention closely so that I was able to pick up on them.

Routine, routine, routine! This helps them to know what to expect. Since being home, Madeline has changed up the routine a few times. IT'S OKAY! It's all about getting adjusted, and so it may take sometime to get into a good routine.

Oh and back to our attachment plan - sorry I seem to be skipping around a bit. It's now 5 AM so give me a break. We do not allow others to hold Madeline, give her bottles, etc, etc. This was pretty heart breaking for both of our families. But in my heart, I knew it was what Madeline needed. I'm not sure when we will begin allowing people to hold her. Right now, we just take it day by day. She now has stranger anxiety (a good sign with attachment) and doesn't want people in her face, or even touching her hand. This is something we will need to work on. As I've previously noted, we for the most part, allow Madeline to come around in her own time and we expect our families to be patient with her. If you force yourself onto her, she is going to reject you and it will be harder to build a relationship with you.

ALSO, a mistake for us was not allowing her enough time to build the parental bond with her father before allowing others to see her. Big mistake. She was a "Daddy shopper" - meaning, she was looking for a new Daddy. Most of the time children "Mommy shop" but our girl was a Daddy shopper. We haven't been around strange men yet to see if she is still Daddy shopping. But, we haven't really seen anyone since the first weekend in February. This has done wonders for Madeline and my husband. I really do suggest allowing yourself six weeks to get settled in and start the bonding and attaching process before making your child's world a whole lot bigger. Some kids do okay with immediate visits, some (like Madeline) don't. Again, you will figure out what your child can and can not handle.

Crying it out. I said I would NEVER let Madeline CIO, but we did one night in G*atemala. The night I was very sick... we had done everything humanly possible for her, but ultimately, we put her in the crib and let her cry. She cried for 10 minutes before she fell asleep. We were desperate for rest and I do not regret it. But I also did not make a habit of it either. I don't suggest it, but I also realize that sometimes you do need to walk away from your child. The constant crying drains you.

Remember, the crying won't last forever. It will get better. Just be as patient and as loving as you can be. One last thing, whether your child is coming home as an infant, toddler, or child.... there is always a chance of attachment issues. So please, no matter how old your child is, read up on attachment. It doesn't have to be an extreme plan, but overall knowledge.