Two years ago..

I didn't have a chance to snap any photos of Miss-I'm-Not-Going-To-Smile-For-Pictures today.. and in keeping my 31-day promise.. I decided to write about what happened on this very day just two years ago. I saw the envelope in the mailbox from LabCorp... Our DNA results were in! Perfect. Just how I had planned it... [sidenote: I was very obsessive about planning how each detail of my timeline would go. Can you imagine me, being obessive? I can barely remember those days of scribbeling my hopeful timelines out on a piece of paper.....] And it was this day, two years ago, that I saw the face of my daughters birthmother. I didn't know what to expect.. to be honest. I was reserved. She was..... smiling. Oohing and ahhing over Madeline... smiling. I felt panic in my heart for months after that. My biggest fear was that she would take my baby back. It was definitely a thought in my mind on a daily to weekly basis. This was not normal, I told myself. The birthmothers were often sad, standoffish, and stared at the camera blankly. Not "E". I saw her love for this precious baby girl that sat on her lap. It wasn't for another year or so, that I began to truly, whole-heartedly appreciate that picture. I understood more. Less about me, more about Madeline, more about "E". Afterall, she was not legally my baby. As much I loathed hearing that she was not mine... it was the truth. "E" had every right from the day she placed M into the arms of whomever... until she signed the last decree to change her mind. To take her baby back.. I'm so grateful to have that photo.. I know that someday when I begin explaining in more detail who "E" is, that she will see what I see, a mother who loved and cherished her.